So I have a blog. I like to write. Yet I never sit down and write blogs. I can directly blame this key flaw in my logic to my recent build up of mental anguish. The pressure in my head builds and without this blog acting as a bypass valve, I have gone quite insane. I have a lifetime of regrets. Missed opportunities, blown chances, and moments while reflecting that I cringe at my own words and actions.
Here's to having dreams and not chasing them. I consider myself a dreamer, I think we all start out that way. I once believed that life would walk up and hand me opportunities by the boatload and I would just ride an easy wave of good fortune right into my childhood dream of being an entertainer. I thought positive thoughts and meager talent was enough to shoot for the stars. No one ever gave me the 'you can do anything' speech, though I never received the 'you suck and can do nothing right' speech either. This spurred me at an early age to formulate my own opinion that someday, despite being born in the middle of nowhere without the financial means to ever leave said nowhere, that I would someday be up in lights.
But I'm here now to tell you boys and girls, in case you weren't aware, life does not work that way. It takes a lot of drive and hard work to get ahead in anything, but us artsy kids often lack both. The people on your iPods and television screens didn't just trip and fall into fortune and fame. Many times people with very little 'talent' to speak of are at the very forefront of entertainment, while truly talented people pump gas down the street to make ends meet. I am by NO means saying that I'm amazing at anything enough that someone would pay good money to see it. As well, I'm not saying that the occasional 'Cinderella Story' doesn't happen, but it's the exception and not the rule. The fact is that I feel like I have greatly let myself down. Here is the saddest fact of all. I'm not alone.
We've grown up in an age where television and more recently the internet have deceived everyone under 35 into thinking that they are or at any second, could become superstars. That we are owed something. That we are culturally relevant. That we are on the verge of fame. I'm another Snooki just waiting to happen. I know there are exceptions to those statements as well.
I have friends who are well grounded. They grew up and did what is expected of them in the south. They got married, started reproducing as quickly as possible and working 9 to 5 jobs. Sprinkle in some church, NASCAR and Wal-Mart, and they are able to put away their silly childish dreams and exude some semblance of happiness and contentment. I envy these friends, for my brain just isn't wired in such a manner. I'm not implying I'm special or above anyone. It's more an issue of not understanding why I can't be happy simply where I am. I don't have it bad. I'm very fortunate to have the support system that I have and I'm thankful. That makes it tough to pinpoint the source of the uneasiness and malaise.
I have other friends who have picked a coast or a much larger city, fled to it and are now in some form of entertainment or artistic expression even if they themselves are not the main event. They are at least in the same arena. They are working in something they love whether they still dream of one day being a star attraction or they have settled for just being a part of it all, they too seem at least satisfied. I envy them just as much. I still believe success in anything artistic takes an amount of confidence bordering on arrogance that I just have trouble with. I am a very logical person and I have trouble believing my own hype. Confidence and humility are in a constant knife fight in my brain.
The abridged version boils down to this. If I had only tried harder, put forth some more effort, then I could settle happily into obscurity. Live a quiet, normal life and be content. But knowing that I never really tried, that's what will eat at me. That's what keeps me up at night. I know I should let go of all this regret, but after clenching it so tightly, for so long it's a tall order.
If you're still reading at this point, please don't think this is a pity party. Please don't go away thinking 'Wow that dude's is a few days from a shot gun in his mouth.' I'm still a musician, it's all I know how to really be. Our band Level Ground is doing well and we are working very hard one day at a time to make our passion our profession. We are able to reach out to others who are struggling with various problems through the Celebrate Recovery program. Just as I am struggling every day to stop looking back and move forward. Regret can only hold you back, let it go. Just let it go.
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